Growing in Grace and Hope – “How to Be Unselfish” 1 Peter 3:1-7

Read 1 Peter 3:1-7 – “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over ² by observing your pure and reverent lives.  ³ Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. ⁴ You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. ⁵ This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. ⁶ For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. ⁷ In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”

I'd say that these verses indicate that marriages in the 1st century church had similar struggles with marriages today. Christian wives were reluctant to submit to the leadership of their husbands because they felt that in Christ they were equal. They were distraught that their husbands were often lording their authority over them. Likewise, husbands were tempted to say, “God made me the head of this family, so listen to me. . . I'm in charge. Things would be smooth if you would just submit.” Peter, in this passage and Paul in Ephesians 5 set the record straight, set the proper standard for the marriage relationship and relationships in general.

We're going to take a look at relationships today and I thought a good way to start that would be to have you think of your relationships in terms of an Olympic event.

What if they gave gold medals for great relationships? What would it take to get one of those? What if for having a great relationship, a great marriage, being a great parent or a great friend you're going to stand up on one of those platforms, they'll play an anthem and you'll have a medal around your neck because you did something to make a relationship great? They talk about a single quality for Olympic athlete's success as the quality of dedication; if they're going to earn a gold medal, it's usually after years and years of practice. We're going to talk about a single quality for relationships that I believe make a person successful in this realm. The single quality that's talked about in 1 Peter is a quality that's called submission.

When you hear that word, is your first feeling a positive feeling or a negative feeling? It's a little negative isn't it - at least when you think of yourself as the one being submissive. In fact, submission is not a very culturally correct kind of word. It's one of those words where, if we think the Bible in places may be a little out of date, we feel it when we hear that idea. But God’s Word is never out of date. We may be, but not His Word.

What are some of the positive ways that the word submission is used today? A dictionary or thesaurus tells us what is associated with that word. I saw words like “back down, bend to another person's will, comply; cower; crawl; cringe; give in; live a dog's life.” Not one positive phrase. It was about this time that I thought this would have been a great week for another family vacation and let someone else preach.

This word submission suffers from an image problem. It’s a word that used to have a more positive slant to it when the New Testament was written, but today it has taken on an almost entirely negative slant.

Here is the definition of SUBMISSION, whenever you see this word in the Bible: Having the courage and willingness to give up my rights to yield to meet another person’s needs. That attitude deserves a gold medal and will usually foster great relationships

This ability to be unselfish in our relationships is one of the main ingredients to learning to grow in grace and hope.

Three basic ways to live life:

Other's Way

My way

God's Way

I can live life other's way doing what they say and because I want to keep peace or because they have power over me. I'm just doing it because I have to; I'm subjected, down under them. Or I can live life My Way doing what I want because I want to and because I can. That means I am doing what I want and ignoring the desires of others when it conflicts with my own.

In the New Testament, Peter says, neither of these are what works. Do it God's way.

Perhaps you think that submission is doing it other's way and it's not. Not at all. Other's way means that you're a door mat. You let other people walk over you and whatever they want is what happens. You'll wear out and give up eventually, That doesn't work. But neither does it work for you to become a tank and run over everybody else. It's something in between called submission. A word we use today is unselfishness. Learning to be unselfish in our relationships.

Peter talks about two very basic things about unselfishness: Why we should be unselfish, and how can we be unselfish. Why and How.

I. Why should I be unselfish?

Perhaps for some of you, selfishness is working out just fine “I'm getting my way and things are going OK, Why should I be unselfish?” For others of us we're not so sure about being unselfish, especially us being unselfish first. Let somebody else take the first turn in this. (That would be the unselfish thing to do, wouldn't it?)

God gives three powerful reasons for us being unselfish in our lives:

A. Because selfishness is the source of conflict.

James 4:1 – “What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?” You take our arguments, our conflicts, and boil them all down, and at the root of any of them, you'll find that someone, somewhere, somehow is being selfish -wanting their way. Of course in your arguments it's always the other person being selfish, but somewhere someone is being selfish.. In order to bring a new sense of peace to your home, your relationships that you struggle with - this key to unselfishness can make a difference.

B. Because unselfishness is the secret to change.

Peter writes to wives and encourages them, “accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” Change is important in any relationship. Even if you've got a great relationship, you should want it to change and get even better. If you're really struggling in your relationship, of course you're desperate for change to begin to happen.

How do we make change happen? How many of you have tried to push or argue somebody into making a change - or to reason them into change? How many of you have found that that does not work? What does work to help people to change?

Unselfishness is the most powerful tool that we have at our disposal to encourage other people to grow and to change. Unselfishness tugs at the other person's heart where most other forms of persuasion cause their will to kick in and resist.

Jesus Christ was the most unselfish person who ever walked the face of this earth. He gave His life unselfishly for others. Look at how many people He's changed.

In your own life, who's had the most impact on you when it comes to change in your life. Selfish people? Of course not. It's been people who have acted unselfishly towards you who've been people who have helped you to grow and to change. Unselfishness is the secret to change.

Peter sort of assumes something that is important. He assumes that these two people are going to stay together and work towards change. Even though one has become a believer and the other isn't. They are incompatible in a very basic way. This comes to a question I'm asked about change and relationships and making a relationship work - especially for one who has become a believer a little bit later in life. There's a feel that “When I got married I really wasn't seeking God's will so I'm really wondering now if the person I'm married to is really the person who is God's will for my life. Maybe somehow I missed God's will for my life.” I think the assumption behind that is God's will for my life must have been somebody like Kevin Costner or Cindy Crawford or somebody like that. There's this feeling that I made a wrong turn somewhere in my life and I missed that person who was God's will for my life. The answer to that question is that the person that you're married to now is God's will for your life. It is never God's will for a marriage to sever. The Bible says that when we become married we become one flesh and God takes that very, very seriously. God's will is that we work the change, develop and grow where we are - that we exhibit unselfishness even when it hurts

C. Because selfishness short circuits prayer.

1 Peter 3:7 – “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” The way that I act towards others affects my relationship to God. You can do it your way, using your own energy or you can do it God's way, depending upon His boundless energy. Selfishness at its very core says “I'm depending on myself.” That's what selfishness is all about. Prayer at its very core is saying, ‘I'm depending on God.’

Obviously selfishness short circuits the power of prayer. It’s a matter of who we’re depending on. It’s one thing to say that unselfishness is a good idea. But it’s another to BE unselfish. It’s a struggle. If I’m going to be unselfish, there is this tug of war going on we have to resist.

I want you to understand this: unselfishness, submission – is a two way street in marriage and any relationship. It’s not only the wife that is to exhibit unselfishness, submission. In fact, the husband is called to lead in this area. Too many husbands have the idea of headship all wrong. Paul says in Ephesians 5 that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. We are to take our example of headship from Jesus, not the world. And how did Jesus do this? It goes on to say in Ephesians 5 that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. That is the extreme model of unselfishness. Christ laid down his life for his bride.

Mark 10:45 – “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Marriage is not supposed to be a contest of the wills but a contest to see who can serve the other more. It is a relationship where we are called to model godly character. Yes, the Bible outlines different roles for the husband and the wife, but both are called to be unselfish.

I like the story of a ship captain who looked into the dark night and saw faint lights in the distance. Immediately he told his signalman to send a message to the other ship … “alter your course 10 degrees South.” Promptly a return message was received: “Alter your course 10 degrees North.” The captain was angered. His command had been ignored. He sent a second message – “Alter your course 10 degrees South – I am a captain!” Soon, another message was received: “Alter your course 10 degrees North – I am a seaman first class.” The captain, enraged, sent a third message, intending to cause fear in this seaman: “Alter your course 10 degrees South – I am a battleship.” Then came the reply that ended it: “Alter your course 10 degrees North, I am a lighthouse.”

II. How can I be unselfish?

- Understanding. You learn to consider other’s needs.

- Respect. Ability to honor another’s value.

- Sacrifice. The decision to act on another’s behalf.

A. Be unselfish by understanding the needs of others.

1 Peter 3:7 – “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.”

The word used for understanding doesn’t just mean kind or gentle. It literally means “to live together according to knowledge.” In other words, getting to know the other person. Unselfishness means the husband understands what make his wife flourish, what makes her angry, what makes her happy, what makes her depressed. He asks, “what does she need?” This is to be a part of all of our relationships.

Philippians 4:5 – “Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.”

How? How do you start to care more about the needs of other people? It can happen when you experience the grace of God in your own life - when you experience God relating to you that way. But once you have the capability for it, in order to do this you have to develop a very important skill. The skill is called listening. When you and I begin to learn to listen we develop this skill of caring for other people's needs.

This is something I have certainly struggled with. When my wife and were first married, I wasn't a very good listener, and I am still not a very good listener by God's standard. But I am developing. Two bits of advice from one who struggles with developing the skill of listening:

1. You have to be willing to work at it. Listening doesn't come naturally for anybody. There's nobody who's naturally a good listener. We all naturally care more about what we're thinking than what they're saying. If you're going to be a good listener you have to work at it. I've found that often the times when it's most important for me to listen are when I least feel like listening.

2. Let them tell it their way. If you're going to be a good listener you have to let them tell it their way. Lori wants to tell things a certain way. She wants to tell the whole story. On the other hand when I hear something I want to hear “What's the point?’ I can begin to get that glazed look in my eyes. I'm thinking, this 15 minute story could have been told in 15 seconds. But she knows as soon as I hear the point I stop listening to the story. I'm trying to learn to let her tell it her way. That's the way that makes most sense to her and that's the way I can hear her feelings and what's important to her and what she needs. Let them tell it their way. It's important with children too. If you're a person who always finishes another person's sentences, it's something you need to work on.

Developing the skill of listening will make you into the kind of person that will begin to care more about the needs of others. If you can really hear what they're saying then you can hear their needs and you can begin to consider them.

B. Be unselfish by honoring the value of others.

1 Peter 3:7 says to husbands, you “must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.”

In Ephesians 5:33, “…the wife must respect her husband.” Respect is a reciprocal thing - the ability to see and honor the value of somebody else. If I know somebody's needs I'm not going to begin to meet their needs unless I value them.

Philippians 2:3 – “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.”

This does not say not to honor yourself. It doesn't say to pretend that you aren't valuable or that you don't have needs. It just says to give more honor to others. It's not talking about thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less often. We use the word appreciate when it comes to financial things to mean something goes up in value. Take time to appreciate people. Give more honor to them than to yourself

C. Be unselfish by sacrificing: This is the willingness to act on another’s behalf at my own expense.

There's a huge difference between unselfish words and unselfish actions. It's easy to talk, to plan unselfish things, but unselfish action involves sacrifice.

1 John 3:18 says, “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” This is where most of us struggle. It's easy to say “I want to meet your needs.” It's easy to say “I value you and I love you deeply with all my heart.” That makes us feel good. Sacrificial talk makes us feel good. It's sacrificial actions that scare us to death.

We're sort of like this when it comes to sacrifice. We say “I love you enough to die for you, just please don't make me give up my golf game.” But really it's the little things. In relationships that work there are hundreds of little sacrifices, a few major ones maybe, but lots of little ones

1 Corinthians13:5 says, “Love … does not demand its own way.” It makes sacrifices. The challenge is not to be ready for the one big sacrifice you may have to be ready to make someday in a relationship. The challenge is to constantly make the little ones.

Is this easy? No it's not. We need God's strength to do this. We need to constantly reflect on and remember how God sacrificed for us.

Conclusion:

For some of you this could be a real turning point in your relationship with somebody you've been struggling with for a long time. For some of you this is going to be a turning point eternally in your relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who loves you the most.

But if that's to happen, there is something you're going to have to learn to let go of fear. To be unselfish you must let go of your fear. It's scary to be unselfish. The fear is “If I'm unselfish, they might take advantage of me. If I'm unselfish, I'll never get my way or I'll never be happy.” How do you find the strength to get past hit fear of being unselfish, that barrier?

1 John 4:18-19 says, “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” In other words, we need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; God's perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what He might do to us. In order to overcome fear of selfishness and unselfishness in your relationships all you have to do is find somebody who will love you perfectly.

Someone already does love you perfectly. His name is Jesus Christ. I've found that His perfect love for me builds a foundation of strength and security in my life that enables me to begin to love other people unselfishly to love imperfect people unselfishly. This is what Peter is getting at back in 1:22 – that because we have experienced the grace and love of God, now we can sincerely begin loving other people unselfishly.