Growing in
Grace and Hope – 1 Peter 3:8-12
“Reducing
Conflict in Relationships”
One of the things you see when
you look around creation is that God loves diversity. We're all different. None
of us is alike. God could have made us all alike but He didn't. Men and women
are surely different.
- story of Elain and Roger
Men and women are different, but
even beyond gender differences, you have other differences, hobbies, whether
you squeeze the toothpaste from the end or the middle, how you laugh ... What's
more interesting to me is that opposites often marry. Before you got married
all you could see was how much you had in common with that person. After you
got married it's a whole different story. All you could see was how much you
didn't have in common with that person. They say that opposites attract. But
after marriage opposites often attack.
1 Peter 3:8-12 –
“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with
each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep
a humble attitude. 9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t
retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a
blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 10
For the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to enjoy life and see
many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips
from telling lies. 11Turn away from evil and do
good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. 12 The
eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to
their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do
evil.’”
V. 8 - “Finally, all of you should be of one mind.” Other translations say, “Live in harmony with each other.”
Fortunately, Peter tells us
exactly how to do that. He gives us six attitudes. He says “If you build these
into your life you will find the conflict in your relationships dramatically
being reduced.” If you live around people for any length of time you're going
to have conflicts. Peter says if you'll just build these six attitudes into
your life, you will find dramatic improvement in your relationships - with your
husband or with your wife, with your children, with your parents, with your
employers, friends.
1. Sympathy. V. 8 - “Sympathize
with each other.” What does it mean to be sympathetic? To sympathize simply
means to understand or affirm someone's feelings, and to share in them. When
you're sensitive to their feelings, you don't belittle them or put them down or
say “You shouldn't feel that way.” When
you validate somebody else's feelings you're being sympathetic.
Sympathy does two things. It
meets two basic human needs
A. All of us have a need to be
understood. You want somebody to understand you in life.
B. All of us have a need to feel
like our feelings are OK. We want somebody to validate them. “Am I weird?
Crazy? Does anybody else feel this way?” When you find somebody who is
sympathetic with you, it not only says, “I understand,” but it says “I share
them with you.”
Peter says that's the first
building block, the first step in reducing conflict. Understand where people
are coming from. Understand their background. Understand their temperament.
Understand the circumstances that have shaped them. When you do that you'll
learn to be sympathetic.
How do I become more sympathetic?
Use your ears more than your mouth. Learn to listen. When you learn to listen
you will automatically become sympathetic with the feelings of your mate or
whoever. Why? Because listening itself
says “I care.” When you listen to somebody you're saying, “You matter to me.
You're valuable.
James 1:19 – “You must all be
quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” If you do the first two, the third one is
almost automatic. If you're quick to listen and slow to speak you will become
slow to anger. The problem is we're usually so busy being quick to speak, we're
so busy trying to get our opinion across, we want them to understand us, that
we often miss what they're saying.
Steven Covey wrote a book many
of you have read. “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.” One of the
habits he noted was “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” The
Bible calls that wisdom. If I understand why you do what you do, if I'm
sympathetic to you, if I understand that, then I'm going to cut you some slack
How would you rate yourself on
sympathy? How would your spouse rate you on sympathy? How would your friends or coworkers rate you
on sympathy? Is this an area you need to
yield to the Holy Spirit onf?
2. Loyalty.
Philadelphoi - “Love
each other like brothers and sisters.” Like family loyalty, we act like
we're on the same team, we're in the same family, we're in this together. We
don't compete with each other. We compliment each other. We cooperate with each
other.
This is a very important
ingredient in reducing conflict in relationships. When I get irritated with my
wife or kids or a friend, it's very simple to all of a sudden start focusing on
the problem and forget the value of the relationship. Pretty soon you start
seeing yourselves as enemies. They're not the enemy. You love them, you're
married to them. They're a friend, a
parent, or whatever.You're on the same team. Brotherly love or loyalty says, “Let's stop
attacking each other and let's attack the problem together.” It's a subtle
shift in the way you look at the problem.
Romans 12:10 – “Be devoted to one
another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
(NIV) I like that word “devoted.” It
doesn't mean that you agree on everything. You're not going to. It means you're
loyal. It's like brothers. If you had bothers and sisters growing up you know
that with them you probably fought like cats and dogs but if somebody were to
attack your brother or sister then you'd get very defensive and you'd defend
them. That's family loyalty.
Loyalty. We're in this together.
Loyalty is another word for commitment. It means I may differ with you, I may
be irritated with you, I may be angry and upset and totally disagreeing with
what you think right now, but don't let there be any doubt I'm committed to
this relationship, I'm not walking out on it no matter how bad it gets. Before
Lori and I got married, because of the divorce that had taken place in her
family past, I got our a dictionary and cut out the word divorce right there in
front of her We said divorce is not an option for us. We've got to make this
thing work. You make the commitment and say, “I'm loyal to you.”
It's very important to affirm
your loyalty to each other, but if you have kids, in this day and age it's
important to affirm your loyalty to your mate in front of your kids. If your
children see you arguing, they also need to see you resolve it so that they
don't think these things just go on and on or that arguments mean you are
leaving each other. That's what they see on tv and that's what many of their
friends' parents have done, so they need to know it's different with you. Set
them down and say, "Sometimes I get really upset with your mother,
sometimes she can get really upset with me But don't let there be any doubt in
your mind that we are committed to each other.
Part of loyalty is accepting
each other's differences. Romans 15:7 – “Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted
you so that God will be given glory.” Acceptance doesn't mean I
approve of everything you do but it means my love for you is not dependant upon
you changing. If you've been married any length of time, have you figured out
yet that there are a lot of things in your spouse that are probably never going
to change? If you say “I'll love you if...” Forget it, that's not real love.
That's conditional love. You make allowances for each other. That's loyalty.
We're all strange and difficult sometimes. We all act like flakes depending on
the time of the day or week or month ... In this day and age guys have become
more aware of PMS. (You know why it takes three women with PMS to change a
light bulb? IT JUST DOES! You know the difference between a woman with PMS and
a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
OK ladies I once read a Christian
woman author who said, “To get into heaven you have to have accepted the Lord
Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Men however have one more step they have
to take. It's a purgatory kind of experience where they have to go through
childbirth, have PMS every day for six years, have to experience stretch marks
and bloatedness and if they can survive that they can go to heaven."
For many years I had my own kind
of PMS. It was
pre-message-syndrome. I would be pretty
much useless on Saturday night because of my mental need to think only about my
sermon. We all have faults and times of
being difficult, but brotherly love says we are committed.
How are you with loyalty in your
relationships? If the first thing you think of when arguments arise is “I gotta
get out of here, you need a lot of work.
If you say, “I'm sticking it out no matter what,” you are doing well.
3. Compassion.
Vs. 8 says to be tenderhearted
in the NLT, but it is better translated “compassion.” Colossians 3:12 says, “Clothe yourselves with compassion.”
Compassion is really defined as love in action. If sympathy is understanding
someone's feelings, compassion takes it one step further and demonstrates it in
action. What can I do to help you? There
are two ways, primarily, that we show compassion in relationships.
A. First is by what we say to other people. Ephesians 4:29
says to “Let
everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an
encouragement to those who hear them.” Does that characterize your
speech? Words that make the other person feel good, that meets their needs? Or
is your talk a little more toxic, filled with verbal bombs and verbal arrows
that destroy. The Bible says that we can show compassion by the words that we
say to each other. Part of that is choosing the right time and place to say
things that might be a little hard to say. Showing compassion in what we say
and the way we say it is part of diffusing conflict.
B. The other way is by how we act toward each other, the things that
we actually do. 1 John 3:18 – “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each
other; let us show the truth by our actions.” Compassion is saying
with your actions, “How can I make life easier for you? What can I do that will
make your life a little bit easier?” I came across this twist to Matthew 25
once. It said,
I was hungry. And you formed a group to discuss my hunger.
Thank you. I was imprisoned. And you crept off quietly to your church to pray
for my release. I was naked. And in your mind you debated the morality of my
appearance. I was sick. And you knelt
and thanked God for your health. I was
homeless. And you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God. I was lonely. And you left me alone to pray
for me. You seem so holy, so close to
God, but I'm still very hungry and lonely and cold.
How would you rate yourself on
compassion? If you are always thinking of how other people can make life easier
for you, it’s time to let God work with you.
If you're constantly looking for ways to make life easier for the people
you love you are doing well.
4. Humility.
1 Corinthians 13 says that “Love is not proud.” You learn very
quickly that every time you get into a conflict pride is involved some way.
Somewhere there is pride and stubbornness. Proverbs13:10 – “Pride leads to conflict.”
Lori and I are both type A
personalities. So when we get into a
tough argument, neither one wants to initially give in. One of us may say, sorry,
but it's probably gonna be a “sorry but” if you know what I mean. As long as we
have that kind of stubborn attitude there is no resolution. As soon as one of
us is willing to be humble and be willing to soften our own hearts, suddenly
God can begin to work.
What is humility? It is being
honest with my weaknesses, my needs, my failures. It's not assuming that I know
it all or understand everything. It's being willing to admit a mistake If I'm
humble I can say those four very difficult words, “I need your help.” Those are
hard words to say, especially in our culture. To admit to someone else that you
need their help, to be vulnerable, to take that kind of risk That doesn't come
easily to us. The Bible tells us that “We are to bear each other's burdens.”
How can I bear their burdens if they won't tell me what they are?
It also enables me to say the
three difficult words, “I was wrong.” Those words, at least for some, kind of
stick in the throat. Proverbs 28.13 says “People who
conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from
them, they will receive mercy.” Saying, “I'm sorry, I was wrong,” reduces
conflict.
Humility is also being able to say
those two very hard words, “Forgive me.” But they're a little easier to say
when I remember that God graced my life and because He has forgiven me, I can
offer forgiveness and even say, “I need your forgiveness.”
How do you rate on humility? Do
you find it difficult to back down? Do you back other people into corners? How
easy is it for you to admit that you were wrong and ask forgiveness?
5. Mercy.
1 Peter 3:9 – “Don’t repay evil
for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay
them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will
bless you for it.”
Here's the definition of mercy:
Mercy is giving more kindness than justice demands. In earthly relationships we
can hurt each other deeply - sometimes without even knowing it. Because of that,
massive doses of mercy are required to get back on track again. When you've
been hurt deeply, there is all this emotional energy that's stirred up. I have
the choice to either use that emotional energy for retaliation, or I can use
that energy for resolution. This verse says pay back a curse with a blessing.
How do do that when someone's hurling angry words at you? How do you give them
back a blessing? Something I have been trying to do for years now is to really
remember God's mercy on me at those times I don't want to give out mercy to
someone else. Colossians 3:13 says “Remember
the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others.” I am telling you it helps. God reminds me
gently, “Scott, you will never have to forgive others even a fraction of what I
have already freely forgiven you of and will continue to forgive you for.”
1 Corinthians 13:5 says of love
that it “keeps
no record of being wronged.” Some people not only keep a record of
wrongs, but they have got a whole closet in their mental house and every wrong
that their spouse has done to them has been catalogued and categorized, ready
to pull out at the right moment and hurl it into that argument. That's not
God's way. If you're going to call yourself a Christian you have to learn to
forgive, to offer mercy, as God has forgiven you.
The thing about forgiveness is
it's not just this one time lesson. Forgiveness is something you learn over and
over and over... As the Bible says seventy times seven, forgiveness is
something you keep learning and keep offering. And thank God that we receive
this forgiveness from God.
How do you rate yourself on
mercy? Are you quick to forgive? Do you stockpile hurts? Is this the area you need to ask for God’s
help on?
6. Maturity.
When you grow up in the Lord, as
you grow, you find your conflicts going down, because maturity is one of the
six attitudes that helps diffuse conflict.
What is maturity? The signs of
aging are not the same as the signs of maturing. You can grow old without
growing up. So how do you know if you're mature or not. In the book of James he
says that the mark of maturity, emotional and spiritual maturity, is the
ability to master your mouth, to watch your words, to control your tongue. He
says that's the mark of maturity. In this passage, Peter says the exact same
thing. You can judge a person's maturity by how they manage their mouth.
Vs. 10-11 - “For the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to enjoy
life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking
evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it. ” The way to live in peace
is to watch your words, to muzzle your mouth, to control your reactions. How
many times have you said things that only made the matters worse and took a
long time to get over? And how many times have you said things that you wished
you could take back? Every one of us has. Peter had. He writes from experience
here. This had been one of his glaring faults when Jesus first picked him up as
a disciple and even as an apostle in the early years of the church.
Proverbs 12:18 says, “Some people make
cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” You know
the old rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt
me” is not true. In fact words can hurt more than sticks and stones. You might
break a bone and it will heal in six weeks, six months. But some of you are
still holding on to hurt from things that were said years ago. Emotional hurts
take longer to heal than physical hurts. Your words have power in your
relationship to build up or tear down, to delight or to destroy, to encourage
or discourage. You need to say “God, put a muzzle on my mouth because I don't
want to destroy something good and precious by the way I talk.”
How do you rate yourself on this
sixth attitude, your ability to control your mouth?
Conclusion: God made us
all differently and He did it on purpose. No single one of us has the total
picture and perspective on life. That's because we need each other. God made it
that way. As much as you'd like to think that you've got it all figured out,
you don't. And neither do I. God wants to use our differences to enrich us,
rather than to divide us, It will enrich you if you practice these six
attitudes.
But the key to being able to
grow in these six attitudes is to experience and then constantly reflect on
God's grace - God's treatment of you. We love because He first loved us.
Have you ever felt in a
relationship, “I'm done, I'm spent, I can't give anymore?” That's the time to
go back to the cross. At the cross, both the wrongs we have done and the wrongs
done to us are nailed - they were taken by Christ in His own body. And if you
have never been to the cross, it's time to go. . to meet the one who loves you
perfectly ... who will forgive you for every sin and give you eternal life in
heaven.